His own agenda

So what do I do about Gadgeteen? No improvement to report, only more calls to attend his school and more detentions for him, as well as an external exclusion next week. (For those like myself before it was relevant, an external exclusion means that he is not allowed to school for a day, penance for being caught smoking on school grounds and bunking off lessons that he doesn't like).

I’m so scared that he is starting a slippery slope to expulsion, referral units, and special schools for 'out-of-control' teenagers. He just doesn't seem to care about anything at the moment and is heading for expulsion if he does not buck up his ideas. He disappears off site at school to avoid subjects that he doesn't want to attend, hides in the bushes and smokes, (Yes, I know that many of us did something similar too, but did we get caught as regularly?), draws all over his arms, has scratched a cross onto one of his arms, cut about 20 thorn-bush-type scratches onto the top of his forearm, is aggressive and abusive if he doesn’t get his way, doesn't enjoy learning, and although he does his homework sometimes-he won't bring it home for us to see, is disruptive in class, doesn't care about the added pressure that his behaviour and consequences have upon us as working parents, and generally seems to just run by his own agenda regardless of anyone else.

Now we have been advised by the school to take him to the doctor for 'tests', and a referral to the local young persons social work team and an educational psychologist.

Oh help! I am scared now, scared that I have inadvertently failed in my role as a mother because of the morals and behaviour that he is displaying. It's as if our values and influences have somehow been re-interpreted by him.

Many parents would condemn/blame me/us and judge us by our sons’ behaviour unless they have had a similar experience and I would value any tips going. I have bought and read ‘Whatever’ - A down-to-earth guide to parenting teenagers (by Gill Hines and Alison Baverstock), from cover to cover and taken some tips on board, but I think I need to read it at least 9 more times for it all to sink in.

Now of course, as well as trying to fit in the demands of a full days work, we have to use part of our annual holidays, which we have already allocated for different periods during the year, (like Greavsie), in order to sort out Gadgeteens rebellion, not for a physical sickness that of course I wouldn't hesitate for, but because of his behaviour.

A part of me resents that. Both Gadgetman and I are under extra pressures at work due to certain obligations at the moment anyway. Does it really sound selfish to resent having to do that when his actions have affected our quality time off together as a family?

I know that Gadgetman has coped really well in my absence, the 10 days spent with my mother, during which he had to deal with work and a busy home life with the kids activities, when there are two of us around, all on his own and I had so hoped that Gadgeteen would be as helpful and co-operative as possible during these extenuating circumstances.

On the other hand, I am at my wits ends; I really don't know what to do to help him get back to caring about his future.

I read back through this and think that it sounds like I'm over-re-acting, that I really have few problems with him and I know that many parents go through this, and get to the other side, but how? I can't help but think,"Oh help!" *Gulp*

The school expects certain standards of behaviour from him, (and so do we), that he is not complying with and I am scared that he will use up all his chances at school.

We have denied him ‘privileges’, and his freedom has been restricted in that we take and collect him from school and other activities that haven’t yet been denied him, we've stopped him using MSN and confiscated his phone whilst he's at home, but we’re running out of options here. We are both investing so much time daily talking with him, listening to him, (reflective of course), comforting him as he cries with despair, praising him for the little things that he does to try and make amends, (liking making me a coffee earlier and clearing the dinner table voluntarily), and generally being as supportive as we can but still enforcing certain boundaries.

I know that I am not a perfect mum, I have my own issues of ‘ free-spiritedness’, that include ‘itchy feet’ and I am a smoker, those are my two big sins, I suppose, but I believed that as parents to our kids we’re a team and we've stuck together, and done the best we can to set them out on a path as balanced individuals.

"Enough, enough already!" I hear you cry. It's not like you to write such a lengthy moaning/downbeat rant."

Yeah, I'm a wee bit down at the moment, and I was before Dads death, so it's not connected, but I just can't write about the more personal feelings here, though I wish I could sometimes.

I haven’t got much time for Blogging at the moment, it’s all I can do to write this, read a couple, and comment here and there. (I’m lurking though).